A Tale of Rainbows and Other Mystical, Almost Unreal Things that are Actually Entirely Possible.
In September 2010, I went off to uni.
It could have been great! The city (Worcester) is beautiful; I had a job at a gorgeous, cosy café – the type of place I’d always wanted to work; a rather attractive and intelligent man who worked there had his eye on me, and he wasn’t the only one!
But it didn’t pan out the way you’d expect.
I’d never wanted to go to uni, although I did want to teach. I went because it was what was expected (from everyone it seemed, including myself).
I lived in halls with 2 Romanian girls and 3 party-mad boys. I’m sure they were all lovely, but I felt so isolated.I didn’t want to socialise, I wanted to be with my family. I didn’t want to entertain strange boys! I wanted the one I loved back home. I didn’t want to play drinking games, I wanted to be left alone to talk to those people who I missed painfully, who lived back in the place I physically needed to be.
It didn’t seem like it was happening for quite a while, but this was the third and final time; the perfect opportunity for my eating disorder to strike again.
For over 7 years of my life I struggled with eating disorders, and I never thought I would beat it. Those of you reading who have or have had the same problems will understand when I say that a lot of the time, I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to or not. This type of illness is a safe haven; a get out clause. Well, it certainly got me out of uni in the end.
OF COURSE you want to beat it! It’s a terrifying, hard, mean thing to do to yourself. But the results? A life like you would never have imagined possible.
In my experience, the instant I stopped eating was the instant I became obsessed and enthralled by food, cooking, chefs, recipes, reading, writing, researching everything sustaining and absolutely fundamental to life (your body is a clever thing – far more so than your brain at the best of times). I remember one highly significant night (the first night I had managed to go 24 hours without any form of nutrition). Nigella Lawson was on the telly hosting Nigella Express. Oh my God o.o! I had never seen or heard of such a woman before then! I was intoxicated by her beauty, confidence and unapologetic pleasure in, well… pleasure! She made THE chocolate peanut butter fudge sundae, and my eyes were glued to the screen. I waited nearly 6 years from that moment until I felt comfortable to make this myself, because with the unwavering support of the ones who matter, and the help of an incredible woman, I slowly made it through.
So it was when I left uni that I was the sickest I’ve ever been. It had got to the point where if I even tried my very best to eat ANYTHING, my stomach would hurt for the rest of the day. Not helpful for making progress. I was at a loss. Panic attacks left, right and centre; bones and joints making life difficult as if I was an 80 year old woman; constant daydreams about exactly what I would eat if I could control unlimited variables… Clearly, I was miserable.
But here we get to <THE POINT>!!!
I felt it was necessary to outline my past in order to explain the purpose of my blog, which is to express the pure excellence of life with food as your friend.
Many people are not as fortunate as I am, and I am aware that this blog will not change that. My aim is simply to inspire people in some way, whether that is to encourage them to experiment with ingredients, or to help them achieve a positive outlook or body image. I am not here to dictate how others should live their lives, but I am here to stress my intense wish that however they do choose to live it, it had better make them happy!
I would also like to add that yes, my eating disorder has gone. I am the happiest I have ever been and feel freer than a bird. However, my obsession with food is here to stay. It excites me to hear of new ingredients or techniques that I haven’t heard of before. Now that I’m well, I want to experience it all. Make up for lost time by including as much variety into my food life as I can! This means that the recipes I post on here are likely to use some “hard-to-find” ingredients at times, but I will always tell you where I got it and how much it cost 🙂
Cooking is my passion, so there’s no quibble for me if I want to make something that takes a bit of extra time or effort. I know some people don’t have the same inclination, but that’s okay – the amount I cook there’s bound to be something for everyone!
Thanks for reading :*